The Science Thing - Part 2

There is a table slightly to the right of centre-stage and it is piled with books and notes and has a candle and a telephone on it. There is a chair beside it. The narrator stands DSL and faces the audience.

Narrator : A long time ago, there was a man who was on a journey. (The priest enters DSR and begins to walk about the stage, mopping his brow). As he walked, he considered the pointlessness of his existence. He seemed to have struggled hard all his life but to no avail - he wasn't even happy. (Jesus enters and meets the priest at the front of the stage). Just when he was at his lowest, however, he met another man upon the road. A man who had suffered much. (Jesus shows the man his scarred hands). They fell to talking, and soon the traveller had been given a new direction and a new life. (The priest gets down on his knees and worships Jesus but Jesus helps him back to his feet). The world seemed to spring into colour around him and, for the first time in years, he noticed the wonder of creation. (Jesus smiles and leaves stage-right. The priest goes and sits at the desk). Overcome with joy and gratitude, the man trained hard to become a priest in order to better understand and share what he had learnt. (The commoner enters stage-left). Pretty soon, people were travelling from all around to ask him questions.

Commoner : Who created the world?

Priest : God.

Commoner : What's the purpose of mankind?

Priest (becoming less certain) : Well, er, to serve and worship the Creator.

Commoner : How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Priest : Hang on a minute... (He gets out a pen and paper and does some scribbling). 412?

Narrator : Not wanting to disappoint nor to appear ignorant, the priest answered all the questions he was asked. (The commoner exits stage-left. The scientist enters and has a mimed conversation with the priest. The priest then exits and the scientist pulls out some test tubes and bottles and starts experimenting). In the end, though, he decided to delegate some of the less theological questions to a keen, young subordinate. The subordinate immediately warmed to his task and set about dropping heavy items from tall buildings, cutting small amphibians into even smaller pieces and making previously harmless objects blow up. (The scientist continues experimenting, grinning all the while. The priest returns and watches nervously).

Priest : What are you doing?

Scientist : Exploring the nature of the universe.

Priest : Ah... Well, I just wanted to say, er... Look that thing you're holding over the candle isn't going to explode, is it?

Scientist : That's what I'm trying to find out.

Priest : Right, well, the cook's been complaining that it's been raining frogs from the tower.

Scientist : What? Oh, sorry, I got confused. I think I'm going to have to divide this science thing up into disciplines and delegate.

Priest : Science?

Scientist : Yes, I've decided to call myself a scientist.

Priest : Hmm...

Scientist : Let me show you something... (The scientist picks up some pieces of paper and starts showing them to the priest. The priest sits down. They point and discuss).

Narrator : At first things went well, the priest was quite taken by some of the scientist's discoveries. The priest had been indulging in a bit of metaphysics on the side - for strictly devotional reasons you understand - and many of the scientist's theories backed up the priest's conclusions. (The priest shoos the scientist away and begins to write. The scientist hangs around, clutching a piece of paper. It is his turn to look nervous). In fact, everything was wonderful, until...

Scientist : Here's some new data from the optical astronomy subgroup that I think you should take a look at.

Priest : Is it important? I've got a sermon to write.

Scientist : Not exactly important but...

Priest (humouring him) : Oh, go on then. Show it to me.

Scientist : Just a small change to the solar system model I showed you before.

Priest : Right... (He takes the piece of paper, looks at it and then chuckles). Whoops! I think you've got the labelling on the Earth and the sun the wrong way round. That's a bit... (The scientist coughs and grins). What? You're not serious.

Scientist : I've gone over the data several times. This is a far better model.

Priest : But it's ridiculous. Can you feel the wind rushing past as we whistle through the cosmos? And, besides, this (He holds up a Bible) says the Earth doesn't move.

Scientist : It doesn't say that. You just inferred it.

Priest : You agreed with me last week.

Scientist : I've changed my mind.

Priest : But I've told all my friends... Look, this won't do - you're just going to have to change your mind back again. (They continue in mime. The priest makes a phone call while the scientist protests).

Narrator : The priest was furious and set all his deacons to work contradicting just about everything the scientist said. In contrast, however, the scientist was quite apologetic, still remembering his early days in the priesthood.

Scientist : I'm as confused as you. Perhaps we both need to look at our assumptions again.

Priest : Assumptions?

Scientist : Yes. Surely our understanding of the Bible should be aided by the world around us. They're both divine in origin, after all.

Priest : Next you'll be telling me that thing about the apes again.

Scientist : I didn't say the thing about the apes, OK?

Priest : No?

Scientist : No, I said something different about the apes.

Priest : Right, that's it! I'm afraid this whole science thing is going to have to stop right now. I'm sorry I ever started with it.

Scientist : If that's the way you want to play it.

Narrator : The scientist went away and continued his studies but on his own terms and in his own way. (The scientist storms off stage-left and immediately afterwards there is the sound of banging and sawing). Without delay, he was
poking around in the very fabric of everything, causing already dangerous objects to blow up, dropping pollutants everywhere and generally making cute amphibians extinct. (The scientist and commoner enter together. The scientist is showing off a torch). Nonetheless, people were impressed and they pretty soon started asking him questions.

Commoner : What's the purpose of the universe?

Scientist : To be. It is the beginning and the end.

Commoner : What is the purpose of mankind?

Scientist : Well, the model would be much simpler if mankind had no purpose.

Commoner : How many nucleons in an oxygen nucleus?

Scientist (whipping out a calculator) : Let's guess 32 and stick with that until we learn otherwise.

Narrator : Not wanting to disappoint nor to appear ignorant, the scientist answered all the questions he was asked. (The commoner moves to stand at the edge of the stage. The priest points at the scientist, challenging him and then beckons him over. First they have an argument about where to move the desk. Then they move the desk to centre-stage and the priest stands behind it and begins to preach. The scientist watches from DSR). He wasn't entirely qualified but he reckoned he was quite good at guessing and, besides, disagreeing with the priest was always a good place to start. Unfortunately, the conflict dragged on until, one day, the priest decided to put an end to the nonsense. He called a debate to settle the matter once and for all and then he set about explaining his point of view at considerable length.

Priest : ..and can there ever be a more convincing proof of the existence of God than the intricate working of the universe...

Scientist (heckling) : You only saw that 'cos of me!

Priest (unperturbed) : ...every little eco-system working together. If you found a watch lying on a beach you wouldn't think it had been thrown together by random forces. (Jesus enters DSR to watch the proceedings. Neither the priest nor the scientist notices him). No, you would wonder who it belonged to and who made it. It is the same with the universe.

Scientist : Is that what convinced you to believe in God?

Priest : Of course.

Narrator : The scientist stormed off in disgust. (The scientist turns and bumps into Jesus but does not stop).

Scientist : Excuse me. (The scientist exits stage-right. Jesus turns to watch him go and then gives the priest a long, hard stare).

Priest (realising his mistake but too late) : Well, I suppose, not exactly convince... Oh. (He hangs his head and exits stage-left).

Narrator : And so the priest and the scientist had drawn up their battle-lines, arrayed their arguments and hidden their assumptions. Their followers battle it out to this day. It seems no one can quite remember why. (The narrator, the commoner and Jesus both shake their heads and walk off the stage).